The Best and Worst Airline Captain Announcements Ever
A plane was taking off from New York Airport. After it reached a cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 123, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH, MY GOD!”
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Economy said, That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”
“Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
The Best Airline Captain Announcement Ever
Good afternoon, this is your captain speaking with just a little flight information. Coming up on the left, we’re going to be catching a glimpse of the Grand Canyon. On the right you can be able to see the Hoover Dam in just a few minutes. We’re flying at an altitude of 37,000 feet and our airspeed is 400 miles an hour.
A couple little facts here. I’m packing a Colt King Cobra, that’s a 357 caliber firearm with a black rubber grip and a 6-inch barrel. Also the co-pilot is carrying a Kimber custom defense pistol with all the bells and whistles you’d expect from a custom gun of that kind, with an alloy frame and bevel treatment on the entire gun. And our chief flight attendant Roger has a Ruger Bearcat .22 with a hand fluted cylinder.
All three are capable of piercing body armor at a distance of up to 27 feet and can put a hole in human bone and flesh the size of the Grand Canyon, which by the way is coming up on the left-hand side of the plane, so just sit back and relax and enjoy the rest of the flight
Announcements You Don’t Want to Hear on an Airplane
On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices…”
“Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”
“Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”
“Goose! Bogey at 2 O’clock … He’s hot on our tail! … Eject! Eject!”
As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “… uhhhhh … We have to go back. … We… We… uhhhhhh …forgot something…”
“Ummmmmm … Sorry everybody …” (silence)
“To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I’m sure you’ve noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.”
“Fasten your seat belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)
“This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to… so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn’t go to well.”
“It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”
“We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Damn!”
“Aww, I can’t figure out how to turn this thing off and don’t worry, that gauge is always on ‘E’.”
“Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”
From the stewardess after placing a drink order: “Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.”
“Hey, why don’t you tell that new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.”
Thank you very much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We’re now about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok. At your right side you can see the beautiful ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight movie. At your left side… um… please don’t look at your left!
You’ll probably never again hear this…
The captain has turned off the no smoking sign…
A true story from the Australian Aviation magazine:
After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce “Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our first officer”.
Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing “Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain”.
The Captain immediately responded angrily, “What did you say that for?”.
The First Officer replied “Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!”.
“But I never keyed the mic!”, responded the Captain.