The Alternative Aviation Dictionary

180-degree turn: A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform precisely; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot’s ego.

Aerial: That part of the aircraft most frequently broken off during the walk-around pre-flight inspection that pilots do to see if anything is broken off.

Aileron: A hinged control surface on the wing that scares airline passengers when it moves.

Air Mass: Impromptu religious service held on board an aircraft immediately following an announcement by the pilot that he is lost, having an engine problem, or running out of fuel.

Aerofoil:
1)Sword used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.
2)What pilots wrap their sandwiches in.

Aeroplane: The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio, and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.

Airspeed:
1)The speed of an aeroplane through the air
2)True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. (Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot)

Airstrip: In-flight performance by exotic flight attendant.

Air Traffic Control Centre: A draughty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.

Alternate Airport: The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.

Angle of Attack: Pick-up lines that pilots use.

Arctic Frost: Attitude shown by uncooperative member of cabin crew. (See also ‘Horizontally opposed’)

Arresting gear: Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.

Aspect ratio: 36-24-36

Bank:

1) The folks who hold the lien on most pilots’ cars.

2) Owners of mortgage on aircraft.

Bail out: Pouring the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.

Barrel roll: Unloading the beer for a hangar party.

Briefing: Spending a long time saying nothing. (See also ‘De-briefing’)

CAA: Committee Against Aviation

Caged gyro: No more docile than a wild gyro.

Caging the gyro: Easier with domestic species.

Captain:
1)Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often found strolling down Lovers’ Lane holding his own hand.
2)Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.
(NB – the only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot is a co-pilot who was once a captain)

Carburetor icing: A phenomenon that happens to pilots at exactly the same time they run out of fuel.

Chart: Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains.

Chock: Pieces of wood the line boys slip in front of the wheels when the pilot isn’t looking.

Cockpit:
1)A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can’t find the airport in a rain storm.
2)Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he/she is.

Course: Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be “off-course”.

Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

Crab:
1) A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually without success.

2) Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying unsuccessfully to use this technique.

3) Pilot who has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site.

4) The squadron Ops Officer.

Crash: To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has found a suitable landing site. (See also ‘Suitable landing site’)

De-briefing: Spending a lot of time saying nothing after you have done it. (See also ‘Briefing’)

De-icer: De person dat puts de ice on de wings.

Dead reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

Dive: Pilots’ lounge or airport café.

Drag chute: Emergency escape slide near co-pilot’s window. Opens automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women’s clothes.

Emergency generator: A device that generates emergencies. Also known as a simulator.

Engine failure: A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

Exceptional flying ability: Has equal number of take-offs and landings.

FAA: Fear And Alarm.

Final approach:
1)Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up.
2)Many a seasoned pilot’s last landing.
3)Many a student pilot’s first landing.

Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.

Flashlight: Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.

Flight instructor: Individual of dubious reputation, paid poor sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubts on the coordination, intelligence and ancestry of student pilots.

Flight plan: Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

Gear handle: The handle a pilot selects “down” as soon as he/she makes a gear-up landing.

Glide distance: Usually half the distance from an aeroplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Glider: Formerly “aeroplane”, prior to running out of fuel.

Good landing: A landing from which you can walk away. (See also ‘Great landing’)

Great landing: A landing after which it is possible to reuse the aeroplane.

Grass strip: Often performed by exotic flight attendants while en route to Hawaii.

Gross weight:
1)A 350lbs pilot (See also ‘Split-S’)
2)Maximum permissible take-off weight plus two suitcases, ten cans of oil, four sleeping bags, eight cases of beer and the groceries.

Hangar: Home for anything that flies. Mostly birds.

Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.

Horizontally opposed: NO! (See also ‘Arctic frost’)

Hotel: How the letter ‘H’ is pronounced in the phonetic alphabet. Most often heard in intercom conversations between pilots and flight attendants.

Induced drag: When a male co-pilot is persuaded by a prankster female flight attendant to put on women’s clothes against his will.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

Jet-assisted take-off:
1)A rapid take-off procedure used by general aviation pilots who find themselves taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
2)Take-off by pilots who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.

Judgement: A valued skill in aviation. Good judgement comes from someone else’s bad judgement. Learn from the mistakes of others, you won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Kilometre: A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots.

Landing light: Preferable to landing heavy.

Lazy eight:
1)Well-known fly-in resort ranch.
2)The airport operator, his four mechanics and three line boys.

Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer

Log: A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

Magneto: Not-very-famous Italian magician; “The Great Magneto”.

Mode: Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during the Great War to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.

Motor: A word used by student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine.

Navigation: The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to B, while actually trying to get to point C.

Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

Parasitic drag: A fellow pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

Pilot: A poor, misguided soul who talks about the opposite sex when they’re flying and flying when they’re with a member of the opposite sex.

Pitch: The story you give a wife/husband about needing an aeroplane to use in your business.

Pre-takeoff check:  you know it’s gonna bounce.

Prop wash:
1)Cleaning agent used by student pilots.
2)Pilot’s equivalent of “hogwash”.

Pylon: All aboard!

Radar: An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called ‘blips’, from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all the aircraft’s fuel tanks fill with air.

Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy’s promotion party.

Roger:
1)The most popular name in radio.
2)Used when you’re not sure what else to say.

Runway: Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act. (See also ‘Airstrip’)

S-turns: The course flown by a student pilot from point A to point B.

Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

Slip: Apparel worn by some pilots.

Split S: What happens to the trousers of overweight pilots. (See also ‘Gross weight’)

Spoilers: The Civil Aviation Authority/Federal Aviation Authority/spouse (delete as applicable). The least likely phrase to be heard on an airfield… “Hello, I’m from the FAA and I’m here to make your life easier.”

Stall: Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late, without admitting that you spent the money on flying.

Steep bank: Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.

Stewardess: A pretty girl that asks you what you want, then straps you in so you can’t get it.

Suitable landing site: An attractive member of the opposite sex; suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost. (See also ‘Arctic frost’)

Tactics: What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.

Taildragger: An old pilot after a long flight.

Tailwind: Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.

Terminal Area Forecast (TAF): A horoscope with numbers.

Trim Tab:
1)A device that can fly the aeroplane better than the pilot
2)Popular diet beverage for fat pilots.

Useless: Something for which a pilot has no use. Examples include: Altitude above you, runway behind you, fuel in the bowser, approach planes in the car and the airspeed you don’t have.

Walkaround: Procedure used when waiting for better weather.

Wing strut: Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of training aircraft following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at the student.

A Navigator’s Definition of Latitude & Longitude:

Latitude is Where We are Lost, &
Longitude is How Long We’ve been Lost There!