1. On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices…”

2. “Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”

3. “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”

4. “Goose! Bogey at 2 O’clock … He’s hot on our tail! … Eject! Eject!”

5. As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “… uhhhhh … We have to go back. … We… We… uhhhhhh …forgot something…”

6. “Ummmmmm … Sorry everybody …” (silence)

7. “To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I’m sure you’ve noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.”

8. “Fasten your seat belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)

9. “This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to… so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn’t go to well.”

10. “It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”

11. “We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Damn!”

12. “Aww, I can’t figure out how to turn this thing off and don’t worry, that gauge is always on ‘E’.”

13. “Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”

14. From the stewardess after placing a drink order: “Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.”

15. “Hey, why don’t you tell that new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.”

16. Thank you very much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We’re now about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok. At your right side you can see the beautiful ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight movie. At your left side… um… please don’t look at your left!


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